Witch Hunter Robin
Chapter VII - DVD Extras!
Rated : PG for Mild Violence, some Profanity, and Celebrity Bashing
Summary : Here it is! The DVD Extras of “Time Off”! See what happens when we held audition for a new Amon, and see who our special guest judge, Simon Cowell picked as the best (and worst) Amon!
Disclaimer : (I always forget these) I do not own Witch Hunter Robin® or any characters. They are registered Trade Mark™ of Sunrise and now apparently Sci-Fi™. Now do I own Spike©, Roger Smith©, Inuyasha©, Pierce Bronson, Simon Cowell or Sean Connery.
Golden© is myself, and therefore I own him as well. And if you steal me I will be very, very upset!
We ask please, that because this chapter has no real connection to the story, that you please review Chapter Six separately than this chapter, as this one is just for fun.
[ We see a stage of the Green Dragon Dojo from the Fanfiction “Time Off”. Standing on it is Kita Nobunaga and Amon . Behind them in a director's chair is Golden , the author. ]
Amon : (Reading the script) Wait, wait, I get the crap beat out of me? I'm not doing this part!
Golden : (Sighs and rubs his head) But you have to, it's a Fanfiction. And you're Amon.
Amon : (Upset) I don't care. I have a tough guy image! I'm not getting beaten up by some idiot named after a cameo character on InuYasha!
Golden : (Getting Upset) Number one Nobunaga happens to be a historically important character to Japan, and number two you will do what I say!
Amon : No way.
Golden : Well okay, how about we have a scene of you confessing your true feelings to Robin, and then crying about her and Michael together instead of the beating up?
Amon : I quit. (He walks off stage)
Golden : Great! Just great! Well now we need a replacement.
[Cut to. Audition stage. We now see Golden and American Idol judge Simon Cowell sitting behind a desk. Spike , the star of Cowboy Bebop walked on stage. He is shirtless and smoking a cigarette as he reads a script. ]
Spike : (Looking up from the script) So what am I suppose to be? A Witch Hunter?
Golden : . . . It's a show called Witch Hunter Robin.
Spike : I didn't ask the name of the show.
Golden : (Sigh) Just read the script.
Spike : “That girl who was with Nobunaga.” (Pauses) “When the Factory people came to clean up the Dojo, she was gone.”
Golden : Well Simon, what'd think?
Simon : If you could act like your could smoke you'd be better than Nicholson, but unfortunately that's not the case. (Pause) Bloody awful. Now get out.
[Cut to. Audition stage, a little later. Golden and Simon are still behind the desk. Roger Smith from Big O walks onto the stage; he has a script in his hands. ]
Golden : Let's see what you got Rog.
Roger Smith : Please don't call me “Rog.” I'm Roger Smith.
Golden : Okay, Roger, let's see what you've got.
Roger Smith : Please, Roger Smith.
Golden : Oh that's right; you're the guy from Big O who has to have everyone use your full name. (Rolls eyes) Okay, Roger Smith , let's see what you've got.
Simon : Actually let's not and say we did. This man's so annoying I'm liable to kill myself if he wins.
Golden : Err . . . well if Simon says no I guess that's a no Mr. Smith.
Roger Smith : I am tempter to summon my giant robot and kill you both. But I won't.
Simon : Good for you, now get out. (Points to the door)
[Cut to. Audition stage, a little later. Golden and Simon are still behind the desk. Inuyasha from InuYasha walks onto the stage; he has a script in his hands. ]
Inuyasha : So what's my scene?
Golden : Hmm . . . well your resume says you've got experience using swords, and since Amon gets into a sword fight let's see what you've got.
Inuyasha : Hai! (He smirks broadly and pulls the Tetsusaiga from its sheath) KAZE NO KIZU! (The blast of light flies from the end of the giant sword and blows a hole in the wall)
Simon : I haven't seen something that impressive since Ruben farted last year.
Inuyasha : Did you call me a fart!?
Simon : No, I called you're sword a fart, however as it turns out what I'm going to call you also has four letters and starts with an “F”.
Golden : (Angry) PG Simon, this is rated PG!
Simon : (Rolls eyes) That's why Nobunaga refers to them as “bastards” in every chapter?
Golden : . . . (Sigh) I hate you.
[Cut to. Audition stage, a little later. Golden and Simon are still behind the desk, arguing with one another. Pierce Bronson from the James Bond movies walks onto the stage; he has a script in his hands. ]
Pierce : “That girl who was with Nobunaga.” (Pauses) “When the Factory people came to clean up the Dojo, she was gone.”
Golden : Bravo!
Simon : Now before Die Another Day I would have given you the part, but did you see all those commercials for shavers he did after that movie? You completely made a mockery of the best damn movie our country ever made you stupid son of a --
Golden : (Yelling) PG!
Pierce : Well that's your opinion. But I'm sure we all agree I'm the best Bond ever.
[ The Bond Theme Song begins to play ]
Pierce : See?
[Sean Connery , the actor who first played Bond in 1962's Doctor No walks onto the stage. ]
Connery : That song isn't for you lad.
Pierce : Oh great, here comes the eighty-year old Scot who's been stalking me since I did Goldeneye in '95. I told you, I don't need your pointers!
Connery : Hush your mouth lad, or I'll hush it for you. (Turns to Golden and Simon ) I'll take the part of Amon if you please.
Golden : (Excited) Wonderful!
Simon : (Bored) Too old.
Connery : Very well Mr. Cowell, I won't take the part.
[Sean Connery begins to walk away, but then he turns around like in the opening of all the Bond movies, pulls a gun and shoots Simon. ]
Connery : I'll take the part now, lad.
Golden : Is he dead? (Pokes Simon's head)
Connery : Naw, it's a tranquilizer gun. He'll wake up in a couple days.
Golden : Oh. Well okay then.
[Amon walks on stage. ]
Amon : Look, I'll do your stupid sword fight scene, but you gotta make a few changes to the script first.
Golden : Great!
Connery : Ah well, I didn't want the part anyway. I just didn't want Bronson to have it.
Bronson : Wait Sean, why are we fighting? (Puts his hand on Connery's shoulder) We were both great Bonds. Let's go beat the crap out of Timothy Dalton.
Connery : I like you're style, kid.
No Actual Celebrities were hurt in the making of this DVD Extra.
And Truth be told, Spike, Roger Smith, and Inuyasha are all good characters on good shows, and them being portrayed in a slanderous way was only for comedy.
And even more truth be told, Pierce Bronson is a wonderful actor and Goldeneye is one of my favorite movies, and actually where I got my Penname from.
Of course, Sean Connery is still 1000x better than any of the other Bonds, that part I didn't make up. ^_-
And finally, Simon Cowell, should you read this for some reason I am sorry I have portrayed you as a stuck up jerk, but then again, you are.